Thursday, October 29, 2009
Home is where the Heart is.
this phrase is has been given new meaning today. to me at least. home is where the heart is. where my heart is is with God and with Vivian. you ask, how can i be in two places, well, while Vivian can be in two places or be where God is, God can be anywhere at anytime, and can be where Vivian is. so yea, that prolly explains most stuff to you people out there who just want a logical explanation to most stuff. ye of little faith!
indeed, there's been many changes in the past few months, and good changes. i'm really starting to rely and seek God more. mostly because of the appearance of Vivian Ma in my life. haha, yes, i'm really proud of you my dear, for the things that you've gone through, learnt and persevered through. thank God(meant like an instruction, not a sigh of relief like something bad just ended), for these things have really made you a better person. =) haha. and yes, because of that, i do love you more.
i think you guys are probably sick of hearing this or out there complaining in your hearts like why is Henzy David doing this again, like PDA PDA!!! lol. but whatever. I love Vivian Ma!!
yup. it's been a wonderful day, Praise the Lord! something funny happened just now, haha. while i received a piece of good news for tml, so i was gonna exclaim praise to God, put halfway through doing that, a cat appeared behind me. it sorta went like this, i was going "Hallelu....(turns around--sees cat) uh!" haha. stopped to pat the cat. haha. it was one of those moments.
this is a shoutout. Anyone with Joo Chiat out there. i need one joo chiat. haha. for those playing the McDonalds SG Monopoly. haha.
God is good. He has been faithful. i Praise you Father, for all you've given and blessed me with. my heart just wants to sing praises to you. =) Hallelujah.
P.S. I Love You Vivian Ma! =P
As Dusk Falls
10/29/2009 01:51:00 AM
Monday, October 26, 2009
God is Fair. because to whom much has been given, much is required.
As Dusk Falls
10/26/2009 10:19:00 PM
Monday, October 19, 2009
recently. i've not been myself. or rather, i haven't had much control of myself outside of my relationship.
yes. i've not been going to school proper, i've been more vulgar than usual, i've been losing control more often. but now, i've found the cause. and it all comes to a stop right here. no longer will the brethren move down this path, for more hurt than joy does it bring him.
yea, everyone goes through it once or more in your lifetime. a period of time whereby you're sick and tired of living. when things get too routine and boring and you bring the 'sian' feeling everywhere you go even though you don't want to. it's inevitable, it just tags along. this instance in life too is inevitable. we must all go through it, we must all face it, but moreover, we must all overcome it.
letting it overrule your life would be disastrous. it's time we find something to do, it may not be a new thing. it may just be something that we haven't done for awhile. it may just be something that you love doing but don't have the time. whatever, so long as it brings you joy, it fits the bill. for through that joy, will one receive the strength to move on in life. and that's where things start to kick up again.
i admit, i'm in no position to say all this. but i know the reason why i can openly declare this is because i'm gonna do it.
let's finish up what's left of our unfinished business this year. take a long break, and start getting serious once the new year begins. i've wasted enough time. it's time to take the next step and initiate the next phase in growing up. living.
As Dusk Falls
10/19/2009 11:52:00 PM
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Duskfall: what's wrong brethren? why the insecurity?
Me: i'm not sure. i'm not even sure where to start.
Duskfall: just begin, where ever.
Me: i don't know, it's just. there's so many things to consider. and i don't want to have this insecure feelings. but these few days, all the feelings are just so messed up. the sadness, the considerations, the despair and disappointment, the wondering, the fear. i really just want to get over this and move on with life. i don't want my old life to keep creeping back into the present.
Duskfall: well, it was you who chose to fight the insecurities in your heart. knowing that you have to overcome it in order to move on. i know what you're doing here. i know your purpose. but you know brethren, insecurity cannot be fought with determination alone. insecurity can only be triumphed by trust. trust coupled together with assurance works best. but without the assurance, you can only rely on trust to pull you through.
Me: i understand. but that's where the problem comes in. i know i'm not the kind who trusts easily. looking back and having gone through that many pains in my life. pains that may be small to others, but significant enough for me to be hurt. pains that seem insignificant, but push me to invoke a barrier of defence. the exact same barrier which prevents me from putting my trust in people. the exact same barrier that i need to bring down in order for me to move on.
Duskfall: you know. it's simple. just trust in the people around you. Trust in God, trust in Vivian, trust in your friends, the ShadowHearts, Jasper, etc. you know the list.
Me: i don't know. i'm just falling apart at the seams.
Duskfall: you know. you've already come this far to talk about this here. to share with people your heart and feelings. that shows that you don't want to be alone anymore. that you've had enough of the misconceptions and misunderstanding that people have about you because of your way of doing things. that honestly, you really want to be open and you really want to set out into the light.
Me: i wish i really knew what i was thinking. i miss her. i wish she was here so that there'd be someone to comfort me. but yet, i know that i can't rely on her, she too has her own issues to deal with.
Duskfall: you wonder why we think so much don't you. come on Brethren, pull yourself together. don't let these distractions stop you. you know the devil can't get to her, she's strong. and that's why he's here. targeting you. all these feelings are just distractions.
Me: i know. i know. i know how it works. it just that i feel i need someone to encourage me, to push me forward. i can only do so to a certain extent. which consumes energy, and my energy levels are currently low. as much as i give off the impression that i seem full of energy and what not. you know, i think the pain's starting to set in. the pain from it all, from the hurtful words and actions. to the sarcasm and irritating comments. i guess they're finally starting to take their toll on me.
Duskfall: ah, you see. here we have the situation. it's a risk brethren. you choose to be open about it, the pain will flow in. you choose to neglect it, it will be kept at bay. but being open has more privileges as you already discovered.
another thing about you brethren. is you never let others take the blame for these kind of things, matters relating to the heart. you're always trying to be the hero. trying to live up to the name that you placed on yourself, the name of the Silent Guardian. the guardian who chooses to sacrifice for God knows what purpose.
you're always having the mindset that so long as there's one to take the pain, others needn't suffer. so you willingly put yourself on the plate. don't do this by yourself. don't carry all the burden by yourself. you've got to learn to let it go. to share it. you're one man, you can't do this by yourself.
Me: i know that. but i just don't want to say it out. i just don't want to trouble others. i don't want them to suffer with me.
Duskfall: you need an outlet. you fear letting her know all this because you don't know the effect it might have on her. you fear she'd blame herself, knowing that some words did exactly what it was meant to do, regardless of the intentions. you know that you don't want to let her know all these because you know her current situation, her energy levels, her schedule and issues. but ask yourself brethren, does she want to know. does she want to care for you?
Me: ....
Duskfall: Embrace it brethren. Fight it, while embracing it. you can. You won't allow it to deter you from your dream. you won't allow it to stop proving to Father you sincerity in the bargain and decision you made with Him. you may believe that it's a necessary sacrifice for the greater good of others. but ask yourself, what good does it do to you. how long more can you hold on, it's been 5 years now. you know you're reaching breaking point. it's time my friend, time to let it go. time to live life for yourself, for what you really want to do. for the things you really want.
You are not weak by expressing yourself in this manner brethren. in fact, it is those who are able to do so that deserve respect and admiration. for these people truly portray who they really are, and not hide behind a mask of deceit, mock-strength and courage, and false-identity. so you have my admiration and respect brethren. be strong. Father's always with you. and remember Vivian. right now, you're not alone anymore, you've got her too you know. i'm sure she's willing, so long as you be truthful about everything, your feelings, your hurt, your thoughts, etc.
come on brethren. take heart! the courage of man will not fail this day. you will overcome this.
Me: I...
Duskfall: i know your heart. you don't have to say a thing. now go, accomplish your task set before you. for the glory of the Father.
As Dusk Falls
10/07/2009 11:59:00 PM
Monday, October 05, 2009
i now see why we have to go through this much to be together, and not me just falling in love with you back then when we first met. i don't think that it'd be this good if we just got together at that point of time. it just wouldn't have been the same. i now see that it was all God-planned. i now understand the reasons and i thank God for them, in fact, i praise Him that He had put us through all those trials and tribulations before we ended up here. it just wouldn't be the same.
it wouldn't be the same if i didn't go through the previous failed relationships. without them, i wouldn't have learnt the things that were taught to me through the pain. i wouldn't be what i am today. i feel, maybe i'd still be as possessive and selfish, as stubborn and as willful, as impatient and as immature as i was before. and that wouldn't be good, would it.
i wouldn't know what the true meaning of treasuring and trusting a person is. i wouldn't understand how to give others space and time. i wouldn't be able to love you just as much without understanding how much it means to me if that love was taken away. it is true, that sometimes, you won't know how to treasure something unless it's taken away from you. that's why i Praise the Lord for the pain. i Praise the Lord for the things that i've gone through, for the things that i've lost. for without losing them, i wouldn't have been able to treasure you like how i do now.
and yes. i do thank you. those broken relationships. as painful or as screwed up and a failure they might have been. they have taught me things that could never be found without going through one. so i thank you, i wish not to name names, but you know who you are. i thank God for you.
as is in all situations, nothing is perfect. we're all striving hard, ignoring the distractions and holding on to that which is important. i guess, my issue now is still insecurity, the doubts that arise over time. but just as i told you, you reminded me that this insecurity is a distraction, and i shouldn't rely on my logic to produce the trust, i should just trust and believe.
thank you, thank all of you who have been a part of my life. for through these experiences have i learnt things that are priceless. through these hardships, have i truly been made into what i am today. and i stand in awe that He planned all this even before i existed.
for truly, only in the Darkness will you be able to find your True Guiding Light.
I'll be seeing you for the rest of my life right? haha. that's our promise.
As Dusk Falls
10/05/2009 11:23:00 PM
Sunday, October 04, 2009
i really wonder sometimes, how i really get through the day like this. haha. never thought of it huh? i don't give off the impression that i'm actually tired like no one's business, but still do things as though i've got the whole tank full of energy in me.
bloody hell, thank God la. damn it. seriously, i think i'm gonna die of exhaustion someday if this continues on. lol.
and yes, for the benefit of those who don't already know, Vivian Ma is my girlfriend. lol. since there seems to be some doubts about it going around. lemmie just be open about it and confirm it.
right, lemmie go take a nap. haha.
As Dusk Falls
10/04/2009 11:25:00 PM
