Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Duskfall: what's wrong brethren? why the insecurity?
Me: i'm not sure. i'm not even sure where to start.
Duskfall: just begin, where ever.
Me: i don't know, it's just. there's so many things to consider. and i don't want to have this insecure feelings. but these few days, all the feelings are just so messed up. the sadness, the considerations, the despair and disappointment, the wondering, the fear. i really just want to get over this and move on with life. i don't want my old life to keep creeping back into the present.
Duskfall: well, it was you who chose to fight the insecurities in your heart. knowing that you have to overcome it in order to move on. i know what you're doing here. i know your purpose. but you know brethren, insecurity cannot be fought with determination alone. insecurity can only be triumphed by trust. trust coupled together with assurance works best. but without the assurance, you can only rely on trust to pull you through.
Me: i understand. but that's where the problem comes in. i know i'm not the kind who trusts easily. looking back and having gone through that many pains in my life. pains that may be small to others, but significant enough for me to be hurt. pains that seem insignificant, but push me to invoke a barrier of defence. the exact same barrier which prevents me from putting my trust in people. the exact same barrier that i need to bring down in order for me to move on.
Duskfall: you know. it's simple. just trust in the people around you. Trust in God, trust in Vivian, trust in your friends, the ShadowHearts, Jasper, etc. you know the list.
Me: i don't know. i'm just falling apart at the seams.
Duskfall: you know. you've already come this far to talk about this here. to share with people your heart and feelings. that shows that you don't want to be alone anymore. that you've had enough of the misconceptions and misunderstanding that people have about you because of your way of doing things. that honestly, you really want to be open and you really want to set out into the light.
Me: i wish i really knew what i was thinking. i miss her. i wish she was here so that there'd be someone to comfort me. but yet, i know that i can't rely on her, she too has her own issues to deal with.
Duskfall: you wonder why we think so much don't you. come on Brethren, pull yourself together. don't let these distractions stop you. you know the devil can't get to her, she's strong. and that's why he's here. targeting you. all these feelings are just distractions.
Me: i know. i know. i know how it works. it just that i feel i need someone to encourage me, to push me forward. i can only do so to a certain extent. which consumes energy, and my energy levels are currently low. as much as i give off the impression that i seem full of energy and what not. you know, i think the pain's starting to set in. the pain from it all, from the hurtful words and actions. to the sarcasm and irritating comments. i guess they're finally starting to take their toll on me.
Duskfall: ah, you see. here we have the situation. it's a risk brethren. you choose to be open about it, the pain will flow in. you choose to neglect it, it will be kept at bay. but being open has more privileges as you already discovered.
another thing about you brethren. is you never let others take the blame for these kind of things, matters relating to the heart. you're always trying to be the hero. trying to live up to the name that you placed on yourself, the name of the Silent Guardian. the guardian who chooses to sacrifice for God knows what purpose.
you're always having the mindset that so long as there's one to take the pain, others needn't suffer. so you willingly put yourself on the plate. don't do this by yourself. don't carry all the burden by yourself. you've got to learn to let it go. to share it. you're one man, you can't do this by yourself.
Me: i know that. but i just don't want to say it out. i just don't want to trouble others. i don't want them to suffer with me.
Duskfall: you need an outlet. you fear letting her know all this because you don't know the effect it might have on her. you fear she'd blame herself, knowing that some words did exactly what it was meant to do, regardless of the intentions. you know that you don't want to let her know all these because you know her current situation, her energy levels, her schedule and issues. but ask yourself brethren, does she want to know. does she want to care for you?
Me: ....
Duskfall: Embrace it brethren. Fight it, while embracing it. you can. You won't allow it to deter you from your dream. you won't allow it to stop proving to Father you sincerity in the bargain and decision you made with Him. you may believe that it's a necessary sacrifice for the greater good of others. but ask yourself, what good does it do to you. how long more can you hold on, it's been 5 years now. you know you're reaching breaking point. it's time my friend, time to let it go. time to live life for yourself, for what you really want to do. for the things you really want.
You are not weak by expressing yourself in this manner brethren. in fact, it is those who are able to do so that deserve respect and admiration. for these people truly portray who they really are, and not hide behind a mask of deceit, mock-strength and courage, and false-identity. so you have my admiration and respect brethren. be strong. Father's always with you. and remember Vivian. right now, you're not alone anymore, you've got her too you know. i'm sure she's willing, so long as you be truthful about everything, your feelings, your hurt, your thoughts, etc.
come on brethren. take heart! the courage of man will not fail this day. you will overcome this.
Me: I...
Duskfall: i know your heart. you don't have to say a thing. now go, accomplish your task set before you. for the glory of the Father.
As Dusk Falls
10/07/2009 11:59:00 PM
