i constantly ask myself this question, as if it's a right, "what of the brethren? what of henzy david?" when will i too experience that much joy which i see others experiencing? why do i always have to be the one behind the scenes. why do i choose to? why do i always portray myself as the one that spreads darkness over all good things? the rebel, the disobedient, the manipulator, the functionalist, the villain. i'd rather call myself an anti-hero. maybe it's a glitch in my system or programming. but that can't be right, God never makes mistakes. so what is it exactly? me myself? my own problem?

damn. they'll never know, they never did. either because i never gave them the chance to, which is the reason that most people will pick, or because they never tried hard enough. sigh. what to do? i don't even know. Father, could you help me out here? i think i'd better stop here. lest i once again sink deeper into the emo stuff.